DGrayMan 4KIDS VERSION
by SuckOutYourSoul
Summary: What would happen if 4kids suddenly got ahold of D.Gray-Man? If you want to know then read this! Note: Lenalee Bashing included. Rated t just in case
1. Sold

DISCLAIMER: I DO NOT OWN 4KIDS OR I JUST THOUGHT UP THE JOKES!! 

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"You WHAT?!" the producer of d.g.m. was yelling on the phone.

"I sold the rights to to 4kids entertainment!" the other man looked somewhat worried.

"You FOOL!! Now our ratings will plummet! IT'S THE END OF WHAT WILL KATSURA HOSHINO THINK WHEN WE TELL HER?! EVEN SHE'LL STOP WATCHING !!" the producer was now panicking and scrambling around his desk for his limited edition Komui cup. It was hard to get one of those now. 

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IN THE UNIVERSE WHACHAMACALLIT.

"Allen~" Lavi was running over to Allen another exorcist with a worried look on his face even though he didn't sound like it.

"SHH! Sorry Lavi but because of 4kids my name is no longer Allen it's…..it's….." Allen was on the verge of tears.

"4kids…. WHAT HAPPENED?! " Lavi was shocked by this news and worried, Allen's name was already being used in America so he saw no reason to change it.

"BENSON!!!" Allen finally said it even though he practically caused over half the animals in a half mile radius to go deaf.

"Benson?" Now lavi was confused. (P.S I will keep using Allen instead of Benson to keep from making this too confusing.)

"oh by the way you're now…….. DERIK." Allen (Benson) said in a rather thunderous and threatening voice.

"NOOOOOOO~" Now Lavi (Derik) looked like the painting _Scream_.

"WHAT'S GOING ON HERE?!" Kanda looked angry and annoyed AT THE SAME TIME.

"Oh nothing,……..JIMMY" Allen had a rather cruel expression and tone.

""NOOOOO" (Lavi all over again) Kanda fell on his knees in a dramatic way, looking distraught.

"OH MY GOSH!! JIMMY!!" Lavi was on his hands from laughter and was turning red from lack of oxygen.

"I WON'T STAND FOR THIS!!" Kanda was yelling in a DRAMATIC fashion.

"You aren't cause you're on your knees J," Lavi joked. Now Kanda was giving him a DEATH GLARE. Suddenly everything went black. Once the lights were on kanda had VANISHED.

"OMG, they got Jimmy!" Lavi squealed.

"THOSE-" Allen said before he was cut off.

"Hey guys where's Kanda I needed him to do something utterly pointless for me again." Lenalee demanded.

"OH he's gone, 4kids censored him…. And you're next…. CYNTHIA," Now Lavi had joined in and was seeming to enjoy it.

"GASP!!! No….no…. 4kids did something to you guys didn't they?!" Lenalee panicked.

"Goodbye Lenalee….. And HELLO CYNTHIA!!" bellowed Allen.

"NOOOOOOOOO~" Komui jumped in front of Lenalee in a dramatic fashion as if taking a bullet only to fall down like an idiot.

"NO FREDRICK FOUND US!!!" Lavi and Allen were panicking and running around trying to find some kind of rubber toy to hit Komui with.

"I know my rubber hammer should do the trick!" Lavi looked happy at the new discovery he had just made.

"Rubber…. Hammer?" Both Lenalee and Komui looked confused .

"MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA~!!!" both Lavi and Allen seemed demented and 4kidsitized.

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I refuse to write anymore until I get enough good reviews about it. Don't worry I know just what to do~ and the original manga artist/ writer of is Katsura Hoshino.


	2. FAIRY!

**Disclaimer I do not own -man or 4kids nor am I related to anything to do with it.**

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"**WHA-" Komui (Fredrick) looked scared and paranoid as he and Lenalee (Cynthia) hid in the basement from their best friends and comrades who had obviously already been taken over by 4kids and rather scared at the thought of being found and "censored".**

"**You can't hide forever … we need to do some editing…" Allen (now Benson) and Lavi (now Derik) were wandering inside the Black Order trying to find people and force them over onto 4kids side. Lavi's hammer suddenly turned rubber and they were in the process of messing with Kanda and making him British and a lot less bloodthirsty. Everyone in the Order had hid to the emergency bomb/akuma/storm shelter they also called their basement.**

"**Hey guys where's Johnny?" Rever had lost sight of him in the last craze where Lavi was whacking people on the head with his squeaking, rubber hammer.**

"**Don't tell me…. NOOOOO!!!" Lenalee shouted trying to be dramatic.**

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"**Allen, Lavi…. Please quit this we've been friends for a long time now. How could you do this? You've betrayed the order all of us. Now HQ is going to quarantine us to keep from spreading this to the world. HOW COULD YOU LET THIS HAPPEN?!" Johnny was yelling at the top of his lungs to attempt to bring Allen and Lavi to their senses.**

"**Now now Johnny…. It's not Allen it's Benson**. Also this isn't a bad thing now we can avoid violence, no one will truly die… they'll just go on vacation to **unicorn land. **Come on join us. We have tea." Allen had a very evil look on his face. At this point the seemed to be even worse and more dangerous that a Noah or the millennium earl.

"Really?" Johnny questioned him hoping he was telling the truth.

"Yes all you have to do is make the 4kids pact. After that all your worries will go away." Lavi was now smiling almost just as bad as Allen.

"I WILL!" Now Johnny seemed just as happy as a little kid who was given a lot of candy but didn't realize that it was stolen yet.

"No they got Johnny! Ah! Deja-vu." Komui was experiencing the 5th Deja-vu today after losing at least 4 other co-workers whose name started with a j and ended with a y.

"There is only one thing left to do even though it is risky it is our last hope we must summon……"Komui seemed to be thinking of something deadly that could possibly save them.

"Summon what?" Bookman looked intrigued and already had a piece of paper out and a pen.

"no.. forget it it's too risky if we fail to summon it we'll all probably die in the explosion." Komui seemed to be wondering if he should do it or not, but the others looked extremely worried.

"GOSH DANG IT GET ON WITH IT ALREADY!!" Bak (who was unfortunately visiting at the time.) had finally snapped.

"We must summon the….the……the…..the magical buttercup fairy!!!" Komui shouted out while everyone else gazed in amazement thinking ' how could he be so stupid.' Although Bookman was quickly jotting everything down.

"WHAT THA HECK IS WRONG WITH YOU?!" Chouji shouted out rather fed up with all this stupidity and randomness occurring every 57 seconds, and so far they were right on schedule.

"It's something I found while searching for a cookbook to find something for Lenalee to make me, but in order for it to work we have to draw a magical circle then make Helavaska activate it for us using the innocence she has." Komui explained, seeming to surprisingly understand it.

"Why can't me Chouji, Krowy, and Miranda activate it instead?" Lenalee asked.

"Because it's more epic this way that's why!" Komui said somewhat like he was expecting this to be an anime or something.

"What if Allen, Lavi, or Johnny catch us?!" Miranda whined.

"Then sucks to be you!" Bak said finally understanding the glory of it all. Everyone else knew this would be a pain. Most decided to stay in the bomb/akuma/storm/emergency shelter.

"okay … WE'RE HEEEREEEEE~" Komui happily shouted.

"Shut up or they're going to find us!" Krowy hissed.

"Moody much?" Komui replied in a rather valley girlish tone.

"Man we got here quick." Miranda muttered.

"That's cause I have magical powers!!!" Komui joked. " Lets get started ! Chouji you got the chalk?" Komui questioned.

"Yes it's right here!" Chouji quickly handed the chalk to Komui wondering why he even came along.

Komui quickly drew a PERFECT circle on the ground. Everyone else was wondering why didn't he put like a triangle in the middle or something.

"Um shouldn't it look more complicated than that?" Lenalee asked.

" Well it's magical why would I do anything else it's not a alchemy circle or anything! Plus I'm not one of those magical girls." Komui wondered.

"That's not what I meant." Lenalee whined.

**POOF!!**

"He~y~ yall need something?" The newly appeared Earl in a pink fairy costume (it looked like it was made by Disney.) One leg up, one closed eye, and a finger held up in questioning.

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**Thanks for all the reviews =3 please review I'm wondering if I'm on the right track. I love reading the reviews feel free to put as many as you want can't believe so many people read it over night. I was surprised I thought I'd have to wait a few days ( forgot how to spell wait I want to spell it weight! XD)**


	3. I can't believe it's Butter!

_**I DO NOT OWN DGM OR 4KIDS OR THIS FONT OR ANYTHING ELSE THAT CAN POP INTO MY MIND MIAGICLY LIKE A UNICORN. OH MY GOSH!! I INVENTED A WORD (NO I DIDN'T) MIAGICLY IT WAS SUPPOSED TO SAY MAGICLY BUT I LIKE IT THE WAY IT IS! =) There is (joke) romance (jokingly Yaoi) and gore scenes in this chapter as well as a few perverted jokes so now that you have been warned I can't be held responsible for mind scaring any of you!**_

"Um Earl what are you…… doing?" Komui said rather hesitantly out of pure confusion.

"Do you want to live or die? If you want to live I advise you to never ask that question again I'm the buttercup fairy and you can call me Butter." The (Earl) fairy snapped.

"Um…..Buttercup Fairy can you-" Miranda started.

"**I TOLD YOU IT'S BUTTER YOU PATHETIC FREAK!"** Butter Screamed, causing Miranda to go and slit her wrist with a handy dandy pocket knife. Everyone else simply stood there in pure shock. "Who wants ice cream~?" Butter happily suggested.

"I do~!" Komui cheered. Running as fast as he could before a certain fat pig (Chouji) ((Did I spell that right?)) got to the ice cream first. Butter simply laughed and quickly hid his chainsaw behind his back.

"I still don't trust you Earl!" Lenelee shrieked. Butter giggled ((O.O)) and took out the chainsaw ((This is where it becomes rated T)) and hacked Lenelee up until she was no more; only a bloody mess remained. Of course Komui was too preoccupied chugging down his ice cream to see Lenelee get killed by Butter. Shortly after wards Butter revived Lenelee, but as payback he kept a liver for dinner.

"Okay this is great and all but how are we going to get Allen and Lavi back to normal? I mean they might never be able to be exorcists ever again! Lavi's hammer is rubber! RUBBER!" Chouji complained.

"Silly! Anything's possible when Butter is here. _**Anything"**_ Butter had said anything in a rather suggestive voice hinting a bit of some possible hidden ambitions. Chouji seemed to like this for some odd, deranged reason. Komui dropped his ice cream and ran back to Bak. Krowy had been forgotten and was now in a corner along with Miranda slitting his wrist with his teeth.

"Okay, so what'd ya'll need help wi-ath?" Butter questioned after a long scene that was practically useless.

"We need to rid our dimension of 4Kids' influence!" Chouji told his (hopefully) future boyfriend.

"I see then I will need 8 bunnies, 17 mice, 2 fried cows, a chicken, and some honey." Butter said in a rather demanding tone.

"Does Lenelee count as a cow?" Chouji asked rather quietly so that Lenelee couldn't hear him.

"Of course!" Butter said happily, knowing that he wasn't the only one who had something against that woman. Miranda was about to bleed to death so they all started to head down to the shelter (now going to be called HQ) ((yes they are practically living the basement.)) However on the way there they ran into a (completely suspected) guest, Allen and Lavi.

"Allen! Lavi! Please quit this we're you're friends don't do this to us!" Lenelee pleaded in a cliché fashion.

"If you are truly our friend then you will join 4Kids just as we have, Cynthia." Allen stated in a monotone voice.

"My Gosh! Quit with the Cynthia crap! PLEASE!" Lenelee complained.

"Now, now no use for foul language. If you do that we might have to censor you." Lavi claimed in the same tone Allen used.

"You can't censor me! We have Butter!" Lenelee bragged.

"Whoever said I was going to save your pathetic butt?" Butter stated clinging to Chouji.

"Gosh dang it!" Lenelee cried.

"Now you have nowhere to run Cynthia now face my sweet arm made out of CAANNDDYY!"(pun intended) roared Allen, pulling back his candy arm; ready to strike. Lenelee simply screamed, fell on her knees and put her hands on top of her head. Butter and Krowy we playing eye-spy and Chouji was carrying the bloody Miranda. Therefore Lenelee seemed doomed. Until Allen's arm stopped in mid-swing.

"Allen?" Lenelee was still on the floor but was hoping that Allen had finally, even momentarily come back to his scenes.

"Ugh…..Lenelee…." Allen began.

"Allen!" Lenelee was smiling. Her wish she made 3 nights ago had come true!

"I can't hurt you….." Allen continued. Lenelee was smiling like a lunatic now, and it was kind of a creepy way of smiling. "Because if I hurt you then where will be 4Kids romance scenes?" Allen had finally finished and Lenelee had stopped her psycho smiles. Now she felt like saying some really bad words. Butter was having a hard time keeping his laugh in.

Thanks for reading there is more but I'm too lazy to write any more send reviews, on the chapter tell me if you like Chouji's and Earl… I mean Butter's relationship and Allen's candy arm I bet it taste good…OMG IDEA!!! Anyways I'm loving the reviews but I would really appreciate more! Keep on tru- I mean reading!! =)


	4. Pickup Lines and Hate

_I Do not own -Man. Thankfully Funimation has the rights to it right now. Now read the magical Fanfic of Doom! (ps more of the hilarious crack paring of Chouji and Butter just so I can put in some pickup lines) =) I can't guarantee that all the pickup lines will be clean._

**It was suddenly raining and Lenalee was crying in a overdramatic fashion.**

**FLASHBACK!**

"Allen how could you?" Lenalee shrieked.

"Allen's gone, now there's only Benson." Said Allen (Benson) in a monotone voice, with a weird smile plastered across his face. "Oh, and Johnny left he has been replaced with DaVinci." Allen continued.

"WHAT THE HECK? Isn't Johnny American? DaVinci is Italian! Wait isn't that a famous artist?" Komui (Fredrick) exclaimed.

"Wee wee" Said a voice in a heavy French accent.

"Who is it?" Komui yelled.

"Pourquoi est-ce DaVinci mon vieil ami." (Why it is DaVinci my old friend.) proudly proclaimed the new Johnny.

"I CAN'T UNDERSTAND THAT WEIRD JIBBERISH!" Komui shouted.

"Il est français vous imbécile." (It's French you stupid fool) Johnny (DaVinci) shot back.

"MY HEAD!" Komui screamed and ran off, dragging Lenalee and the rest back to the "Bat cave".

**END OF FLASHBACK**

"… and here we are now…" Komui finished. He was in a room surrounded by weirded out faces. The story didn't seem too weird to Komui and then one of the workers pointed to the area behind Komui, causing him to turn around. That's when he saw Butter and Chouji making out. This was followed by pickup lines between the workers and Butter.

"Are you a kleptomaniac-or did you steal my heart on purpose?"

"I lost my phone number, can I borrow yours?"

"Is Your Dad A terrorist? Because your the "BOMB!"

"You look almost perfect...the only thing I can see that's wrong is your lips...they're not touching mine."

"Baby you must be a broom cause you just swept me off my feet!"

"Do you believe in love at first sight...or should I walk by you again?"

"should I call in the morning or just nudge you? "

"You've been a bad boy. Go to my room."

After a while Chouji realized what was going on and noticed the pickup lines. This got him angry but not enough to where he would turn into a giant green man, because that would be just plain freaky. However he believed it was his turn to say some pickup lines.

"Does this rag smell like chloroform to you?" Chouji exclaimed

"Can I take a picture of you, so I can show Santa just what I want for Christmas. " Replied Butter. Now it was going to be a fight of pickup lines.

"Is that top felt? Would you like it to be? "

"I know I'm not a grocery item but I can tell when you're checking me out."

"If looks could kill you would be a weapon of mass destruction."

"ENOUGH WITH THE BAD PICKUP LINES!" Lenalee yelled. "If any one's going to use pickup lines it should be on ME!" She snobbishly shouted. The room grew quiet.

" Hey at least me and Butter are a better pairing than Lenalee and Allen." Chouji exclaimed.

"Heck, Lenalee with any one is a bad pairing. Face it she's a Mary sue!" Komui yelled. Everyone (but Lenalee) agreed leaving Lenalee astonished.

The French words are thanks to Google translator and the pickup lines I found on the internet. Send reviews and I might get more motivation! (don't have a lot of that)


	5. Bread Spread and Smurfs

_**I do not own DGM. It is owned by Hoshino and Funimation (and TV Tokyo?) More fake yaoi just because it adds to the humor and its became impossible to get rid of at this point.**_

Lenalee was in the crying from the remarks made by the rest of the members, and was temporarily going through denial. "It's not true….they're j-joking…..THEY LOVE ME GOSH-DANG IT!" she wailed.

"Dang it! She needs to hurry up and get over this denial stage! It's annoying the crap out of me!" Mirada complained. Everyone seemed astonished by her sudden outburst. However they all knew it was true. This denial stage was going to cost them big time.

Eventually they lied and told her it was a joke and acted like they loved her. (just as they always had) "We can't fight 4kids on our own! The ritual Butter tried out last time didn't work! 4kids is just too strong!" A random background character called.

"It's okay! I'll call my little elves here." Butter replied with a smile.

"You have elves and you NEVER TOLD US?" Bak complained.

"Shut up for once in your pathetic life, and let me do my job!" Butter hissed. Suddenly a door appeared, but not any door, Roads door. Then out came all the noahs; dressed as elves. They had strap on ears, and colorful, bright dresses and suits on.

"HAHAHAHA! I have to get a picture of this!" Komui said while pulling out a camera from his pocket. Sadly Tyki leaped and snatched it out of his hands in time. "Aw. It's no fun if I can't take pictures!" Komui cried.

"I'm far too sexy for any photo to capture!" Tyki arrogantly stated.

"Jam! Quit telling them lies!" Road joked, only to get a nasty look from Jam (Tyki).

"LET ME HAVE MY FUN!" Jam argued.

" At least I don't have a crappy name like _JAM_" said Road.

"Just…Just…Sh-Shut UP!" Jam cried. Road simply laughed and turned to face Butter.

"Yay! I'm so glad we get to play too! Hey! Hey! What do we get to do?" Road eagerly asked.

"Now, now, calm down Marmalade. The situation is, 4kids has taken control of -Man and our favorite vict- I mean friends have crossed over. These include Johnny, Lavi, Kanda Yuu, and Allen Walker. We are going to help these pathet- I mean n-n-nice people get their garba- I mean friends back." Butter said with difficulty.

"THEY TOOK MY ALLEN?" Marmalade (Road) Shrieked.

"He's _MINE_ if you hadn't noticed!" Lenalee yelled.

"Oh yeah?" Marmalade questioned.

"YEAH!" Lenalee yelled before jumping getting ready for an attack.

"HOLD IT!" Butter yelled and interrupted the pointless cat fight. "No fighting we're f-f-f-f-f-f-fr-"

"Friends" Lulu finished for him.

"Thank you Dip." Butter thanked. Only to hear a few giggles about Lulu's new name being Dip. Of course, dip is also a spread you put on bread, but it's also a well known tobacco product. Lulu got upset about this and headed back to Edo to sit it out. "Now that one nuisance is gone…" Butter threw a nasty glace at Lenalee. "…we will continue with _**THE **_plan," Butter hinted at Marmalade and Jam " And while we're insulting people… I bet 20 dollars Dip hires people from the streets of Las Vegas as her servants if you catch my drift." Butter commented. The whole time the Black Order Members had been laughing so much 5 of them had pulled muscles and were rendered unable to move or in this case run away for quite a while.

Suddenly a horde of akuma came in painted blue. "Ah! Seems the Smurfs are finally here!" Butter said with a smile.

Ah ha! 5th chapter is finished! Yay! LOVE the reviews! Keep sending them please =) Next time we will be seeing akuma/Smurf parties! And please refrain from cussing at me in the reviews I get enough of that in my daily life if it's as a joke that's okay but if it's being used negatively please think nice and hard before you click the send button. =( THANKS FOR READING MORE TO BE DONE REVIEW YOUR THOUGHTS ON THE CHAPTER! =)


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